Cannot wait to be beginning my journey tomorrow – Happiness (research) Stage 1! There’s the small matter of a 32 hour journey involving cars, boats and even a tractor but I can’t think of anywhere I’d rather kick off the research for my new show.
Hoping to have some great conversations with people to find out what happiness means to the folk who have made a small island community their home. I do hope some of their happiness rubs off on me as I wander about with my notebook and clipboard. Eigg, watch out. Manchester, I’ll miss you!
Yippee, I’m getting away to the Isle of Eigg, a Scottish Island remote and few people a wild self sufficient place, I cannot wait.I’m hoping to find out stuff about stuff for my next show. A show about stuff and people. I think being alone will be good for me. I think being the only person walking along a coastal path getting my thoughts blown out of my mind will be good for me. I might grow a beard. Learn how to knit or spit or catch a sheep or fish or cold. I might find new words. I might go veggie for a week. I might swim in the sea wearing my knickers. I might go there mad and come back sane. I hope not. If anyone wants to set me a challenge while I’m there then do, I will put it on my list of things to do. Thank you . Wishing everyone a peaceful day without regrets, with moments of wasted time and patches of daydreaminess.
Okay the sun is starting to poke about on a more daily showing, and to most people it seems to have this switch effect like someone just switched on the Happy Button. Which is great, it really is, but I’ve realised that I’m not one of these people and I need more to switch my Happy Button, and, well I’m coming out as a person who does not feel the sun giving me a sunny disposition, but I will try and go out in in and sit and feel its heat……but sometimes if you feel low the sun can actually make it worse, and you gotta laugh. My Mum can come down in many environments, she is a expert she can let a room bring her down, lighting may bring her down, too many trees can bring her down, she is professional, our street actually brought her down on Easter Monday, yep our lovely little street!But I admire her honesty, she is real she is totally being herself. So what am I trying to say today,that maybe Happiness is a little shallow, its a shallow pool too shallow to swim fully in but you can lie in it and splash about if you need to…..I’m trying to reflect on a morning spent reading experts advice on how to have a happy life, there are people making really good lives out of telling showing others how to be Happy, business is good. I am taking it all in, do I sound sarcastic ? OOops maybe I do, but this is me, and happiness is complicated, and that’s why I’m gonna make a show about it, I need something to counter balance my amazing career as Waitress of the Year, the pressure is too much, so I’m getting back into the Show Saddle.
And I may need you to help with my research….so don’t let the sun distract you find your inner balance, keep making lists, and act like you want to feel (ps that’s not my idea that’s one of the Happy Experts ideas, I think its fine to borrow though)
Go out and borrow things and make them your own….
I’m going to walk round the park and try feel the sun ..
ta ta for now
Nail biting and chewing as I wait and wait for news from Edinburgh Fringe, all I can do wait and be prepared to spring into fundraising action!!! Meanwhile the second show is brewing and starting to grow, in my head . I’m in the middle of a Trilogy so that’s nice, I’ve never been in a Trilogy before. And so after a tricky start to a new year I feel poised like a yoga goer in a new clean leotard ready to go back to class. Wishing everyone a cosmic, upturn of good fortune and lucky breaks for March and the coming of the SPRING !!!
Dear Fringe, I am writing to say that I would love to bring my Show Hi Anxiety to the Fringe. Even though over the years I have done the Fringe you have deeply hurt me and challenged me, and broken me in cash terms and emotionally, drained the life out of me, but having said that I met some of the most amazing people who are solid friends and would do anything for you. Oh and the views and the bars and the Scottish lust for life, lust for living is catching. But creatively I am totally bemused by what’s supposed to happen, and is it a good idea is it good for your Creative track record, do you get a badge at the end? Because its such an extreme idea isn’t it to go into a small space and perform in a time slot like 11 am, I’m not been funny but that like makes no sense to my body or brain or soul, but hey if it works for you, I guess at least then you v’e got the day to yourself to recover from performing to 2 people, to tell yourself not to take in personally, to try and love yourself and not to cry.And so having said all this, I’ve realised that I’m up still up for it and that whatever doesn’t break you makes you stronger, and even though you reap what you sow, ( I’m not even sure what the harvest crop would be) apart from some crazy nights out, some cracking life changing hangovers, some new friends some bloody great stories some incidents in gay bars and possible an audience greater than 2.So Dearest Fringe I wonder if someone could get back to me ASAP, about coming up that is.
All the best
I’ve never SOLD OUT before it a new experience which means phew I can just get on with the show and stop pestering people …are you coming ..are you coming…enough . Thank you for booking is all I can say .
I’m in the middle of my tour and I have to say I like this way of life . I like all the stuff that comes with, the driving vans the loading up my props that just look like a pile of junk, I like getting to venues and making new friends with the crew and staff, I like pretending I’m meditating when really I’m having a sneaky nap, I like pretending I’m doing a full vocal warm up when all I can remember from training in acting at Manchester Poly, is diaphragm flapping and trying to resonate vowel sounds through my body …
i like doing the work, the tech the runs been able to focus even though we were up against a brass band rehearsal and the local Morris dancers rehearsal at the Trades, god I love you Hebden Bridge, keeping it real.
I like taking the breath and telling myself I can do this and asking the Universe to protect me before I go on stage, even though I have an on off relationship with the Universe, these are my habits my rituals, so that I can get on stage and be honest and share this story and hope that I connect with you, that’s all .so this is where I am, I’m doing and re doing and practising and Someone said 10,000 hours is about right, so I better crack on, and you could book my show and that would add more hours to my practise, for now I will do it in the lounge. Till Hull on Thursday .
I had a ball performing at Mothers Ruin on Friday 12th September, you know when you’re in Flow, and you totally let go on stage (not like that, let go creatively silly!) But in the build up to this outing I was dealing with the ‘tricky second show’, which is totally like the ‘tricky second album’. I was blocked, creatively constipated, stuck, down, confuzzled, apathetic and just plain “what have I got to say, about anything, a big zero of nothing, that’s what.” And so when, 2 hours before the show, I decided to give my self an award on stage to get me ON to the stage, I found a plastic bunny fromPoundland that lights up – bloody brilliant – and that would be my ON. I accepted the Bunny Of Hope Award in recognition of a life time achievement in the search for Happiness…and so my new show “What the F**k is Happiness” was born….and the making of the Tricky Second Show has begun.
It’s not over. And it’s collectives like Mothers Ruin that are giving people like me – the folk who are makers in their own kitchens, lounges, bedrooms, the daydreamers on the bus, the people who think they’ve got nothing much to say but sometimes find themselves on stage having a collective experience of joyful silliness and laughter – the chance to feel part of a community, a collective, a place to belong. So thank you Mothers Ruin, thank you the open warm audience of Kings Arms and thank you to the Bunny Of Hope. And I would like to send this award out to all of us today who are feeling a bit Blah…
Anxiety Festival time is upon me, in 5 days, and 3 hours. So if you are free do come to the show. The Albany Saturday 28th June at 9pm
Thank you to Ouch for having me on their podcast programme, and I just listening back to it and I do seem to laugh a lot. I often think I’m quite flat, but maybe I’m not as flat- as in low, as I think I am, self awareness not one of my strong points turns out!! Had to resort to getting out on my bike this morning to cycle 5 miles to sit in aCafe with a frothy coffee and had to read Eckhart Tolle’s book on being in the now, and that acceptance of who you are and where you are the only way to feel the joy of life. So to all those fellow people who find mornings hard or even any part of the day or night hard or just find life a bit hard right now read this. ” The joy of Being ,which is the only true happiness, cannot come to you through any form,possession,achievement,person,or event- through anything that happens. That joy cannot come to you- EVER. It emanates from the formless dimensions within you, from consciousness itself and thus is one with who you are.”
Thank you Eckhart …It just makes sense, well to me it did….So put that on your salad plate and drown it in Salad Cream !!!
My home town gig at York St Johns, went down really well, tears, laughter, tick tick. Its so great to have chance to build something to have space the develop a performance stride, to find a flow, and be able to tweek and play. But I was a bit thrown by how was emotional I felt on stage to be performing my show in York where it all happened, and so close to where my Mum lives, and spooky to be so close, one street away from where she worked at York District Hospital, where she walked into town on her lunch even when she had a bout of Agraphobia, she made herself walk into town, to face it . It was also spooky that a man on the front row, right there in the centre was a lecturer in Theatre and Mental Health – it couldn’t be more coincidental , Theatre and Mental Health, and he specializes in this, and that’s wonderful, and even more wonderful he asked me would I come back and do the show again for the students and some NHS people, so I said YES of course, so thank you Dr Nick Rowe,( a safe pair of feet).
So here are a couple of lovely pics thank you to my bezzie Ruby Porter for taking these on I might say a tricky camera, thank you Roo for coming out of retirement to take them !!
And thank you Ashley for being the best director and keeping me calm and focused and having the best Kate Bush album The Dreaming on CD in your bag for the journey there and back!!!