I feel like I’m getting closer to being the word Carer for my Mum, AKA Trish. I am trying not to freak the F out when she calls me in manic mode and says when are you going to have time for your old mum we haven’t spoken in ages, Mum I was with you most of yesterday and Monday, and last Thursday….aaargh ….then says oh I can’t get this beer open …so I am trying not to freak out when I told her Mum, every Wednesday, you know that thing I keep saying I’m writing, an you said oh Have You Given Up,( with a weird tone ) yeah that thing called my creative little world that I miss so dearly and feel like I’ve fallen off the end of the world,( please don’t judge me, I do love tying to look after you but you have bleed into my mind and you wake me up at 5m sweating with disappointment that even though we have helped you move home twice in one year you are f -ing miserable, and can’t be arse on such a major level and everything you say to me is wrong, because something is broken in you and you can’t join in anything, and all you ever say is that there is no one in the lounge area its so dead nothing going on when last night on the most manic call with you you said theres a tall lady in the lounge and 3 people stretching – MUM THATS THE YOGA TEACHER I HAVE TOLD YOU ABOUT FOR THE LAST 2 MONTHS SHE IS Doing YOGA AND YOU CAN JOIN IN – oh she said well I feel sorry for her only 3 people – if you went mum it would be 4 !!!!!!!
BREATH> so Mum, on a Wednesday I won’t be around I am going out to Hebden to write and have some thinking space . Her Reaction at the time was not interested – oh right . The next day she calls Teresa – Debra is leaving me I have lost her she doesn’t love me she said she liked being with me I have lost her .
I know this is the beginning of an end of sorts, I know I have to look after my own bloody sanity, I have to roll with these punches, I have to be something a bit more zen a bit more crazy, to go with this, to try and find some tonic, to try and stick up some boundaries made out off twigs and bits of polystyrene, and try not to sink into a deep cosmic sadness, I can do that, but I’ve done too much of that, and I know I’m not alone, so I just want to say I hope you don’t judge me, I just needed to get this out of my mind, before I go out of my mind.