I feel like I’ve been here before

This thing we are in has landed, its tripping off stuff, its impact is different everyday, from tears on Sunday ‘ people are dying I sobbed into my Yorkshire puddings ( which didn’t rise by the way ) yes, what a mess, I have food and a roof over my head  when millions don’t.  I have feelings that are flushing in and out of me. Useless. Pathetic. Detached. Terrified to look at my bank account. Want to be drunk all the time. Don’t want to be awake. Want to make a difference. Want to help. Want to say hello to everyone. Want to keep my head down. Want to know what bird is that? What to help the old folks not feel so scared. I took a roast dinner on a tray in foil to my Mums, 6 miles unnecessary travel, to her it wasn’t. It was to say you are loved you are not alone in your little flat watching the news and crying.

Everyone who is a comic, artist, clown, maker, writer, thinker,performer  is scrabbling around for seeds to plant to grow something they can eat in the months to come.

Many of the creative souls I know and admire are struggling been creative during this time, but many are flourishing, its not a crime to be in either camp. The word focus is to me a luxury item I may not have for a long time to come, but as a maker of shows and things from out of nothing at home in my bedroom here I am again. I spent years on the dole in the 80’s in a bedsit land, this feels a bit similar, disconnected from society part of a sub culture of queers, activists, whole foods, printing press fanzines, jumble sales, giro day, nocturnal, a time when you had time to listen to a whole album.

This all may sound so flipping superficial people are getting their lives turned up side down, but these thoughts are trying to keep me sane and may make me able to give something as part of the healing, for  the aftermath for whatever will be needed  then.

I  couldn’t find any seeds until today, something has shifted, it may only last for today so I will make the most of it.

Teresa gave me this quote:

Its okay to not be at your most productive during a fucking global pandemic . 

Thank you who ever said that.

Meanwhile in la la land in my head I want to start making stuff, I keep looking at the photo of my Nana, what would she of done during this?

To all my creative comrades out there. We will overcome. We always have and we always will.

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