I feel like I’m getting closer to being the word Carer for my Mum, AKA Trish. I am trying not to freak the F out when she calls me in manic mode and says when are you going to have time for your old mum we haven’t spoken in ages, Mum I was with you most of yesterday and Monday, and last Thursday….aaargh ….then says oh I can’t get this beer open …so I am trying not to freak out when I told her Mum, every Wednesday, you know that thing I keep saying I’m writing, an you said oh Have You Given Up,( with a weird tone ) yeah that thing called my creative little world that I miss so dearly and feel like I’ve fallen off the end of the world,( please don’t judge me, I do love tying to look after you but you have bleed into my mind and you wake me up at 5m sweating with disappointment that even though we have helped you move home twice in one year you are f -ing miserable, and can’t be arse on such a major level and everything you say to me is wrong, because something is broken in you and you can’t join in anything, and all you ever say is that there is no one in the lounge area its so dead nothing going on when last night on the most manic call with you you said theres a tall lady in the lounge and 3 people stretching – MUM THATS THE YOGA TEACHER I HAVE TOLD YOU ABOUT FOR THE LAST 2 MONTHS SHE IS Doing YOGA AND YOU CAN JOIN IN – oh she said well I feel sorry for her only 3 people – if you went mum it would be 4 !!!!!!!
BREATH> so Mum, on a Wednesday I won’t be around I am going out to Hebden to write and have some thinking space . Her Reaction at the time was not interested – oh right . The next day she calls Teresa – Debra is leaving me I have lost her she doesn’t love me she said she liked being with me I have lost her .
I know this is the beginning of an end of sorts, I know I have to look after my own bloody sanity, I have to roll with these punches, I have to be something a bit more zen a bit more crazy, to go with this, to try and find some tonic, to try and stick up some boundaries made out off twigs and bits of polystyrene, and try not to sink into a deep cosmic sadness, I can do that, but I’ve done too much of that, and I know I’m not alone, so I just want to say I hope you don’t judge me, I just needed to get this out of my mind, before I go out of my mind.
So I haven’t written for ages and ages and today I feel sort of out of sorts feel this pressure of a day off a day off, off from other peoples wants from me, and now I have me wanting wants from me and where does this lead me?
Running running running away from all of it !!!!
And in the writing, and thinking I will come back to myself, come back Debs, its okay.
So todays thoughts are funny because I love all these awareness days, I wish there were more, like feeling sorry for self awareness day, or self sabotage day, or bigmouth ‘on one’ day.
Most of my stress comes from over stretching my love over stretching my capacity to help over stretching my levels of care, thats when i get it, and its really unfair because then I end up stressing out the person who is already not able to do stuff without me. Its a double pain. My poor Mum, we are in a constant loop of apologising to each other .
The other part of my stress is totally my fault . its this . Its the not bloody doing what makes me feel alive. Being on a stage, being a fool being connected to other humans, hearing laughter. Its same old same old shizzle. Same as it ever was same as it ever was.
so on this blessed bloody day off I give myself permission to be who I am and soak it all up, for one day this will all be useful in the creative mix the place where good things are made, are written, are said out loud, without apologising !!!!!!
So cheers to Stress xxx
I have been quiet of late on this blog space thang – sometimes you just have nothing to say and perhaps this is a blessing because I feel like there’s so much talking going on.
Are we allowed to just be quiet? I have a niggle thought that its good for us to be silent. I hear people constantly on the mobiles talking about nothing filling space ‘ I’m just getting a sandwich might get some crisps – I’ve not had a yoghurt might get one where you at work oh yeah no I’m on way to work blah blah blah –
Other people thing there is something wrong with you if you are not filling the air with chat. There is something right with you not wrong. Maybe I just get over stimulated by stuff and noise and movement – I need a bit of still .
We were talking round the dinner table last night about boredom and that it is actually good for you to get bored – but we as a people keep pushing it to be full of doing all the day n night – not allowing space to let some boredom in – I don’t think I’ve been bored in years – think me and Teresa got bored 6 years ago on the day after boxing day we just didn’t know what to do with ourselves – it passed .
So I’m gonna invite a bit of boredom and quietness into my world. I’ve got a feeling it will help new stuff come into my mind or enable old stuff to be re worked !!!!!!
Ps loving this 10,000 steps business and wondering if we can create a fit bit for good thoughts – target 100 positive/better/ not so destructive/ kinder thoughts ?
I’m letting myself have thinking time and not resist silly thoughts :
Here are some of my thoughts :
To make a TV show about people who make solo theatre pieces called MAKE OFF – we see the contestants spending hours sitting on sofa’s starring into space or making things with cuttings out of magazines or we see them on park benches crying talking to themselves ” I’ve got nothing to say – I’m empty inside” …thats round one if they survive that the get put into a ‘Space ‘ to devise set pieces using only what is in the room, there is no natural light . – and so it goes on – till the Final – 3 solo theatre makers in a disused industrial space with only one hour one light one prop to share the ‘work’…..
To be subversive in a day job situation …ie pretend I’m in a sit com…already do do that .Next
Submerge myself in a time space where I only listen to Joni Mitchell and see ‘What Happens’ going to start this tomorrow …’prisoner of the white lines on the freeway’…
Workshop ideas for shows with people who are not in the ‘Trade’ really fancy this idea have already got the amazing Debbie Jump pencilled in ( i think she thinks I’m joking around but I’m not and she is really funny – in fact she should be on stage )
Follow the path of least resistance ….follow follow follow
That’s all for now – my day job does calleth …into the sit com…until I write the real one ..which I am actually doing – get me – get off the sofa – Art is life is art is life is art is life is art …is life
still reeling from talking to Laurie Anderson
feel the love
It started on the Sofa like all interesting things do, then 3 amazing nights performing at HOME, now the touring bit, to new places and old places and Barnsley and Harrogate, new ground for me. I yes I do have my day job and yes sometimes is a bit of a squeeze, but I always think these things make you stronger and more focused and I am proud to be part of a long long tradition of creative people on the leading edge the cusp of something great often work in bar or 3 bars and one other job and when I think of all my amazing friends in New York working that Cabaret Scene and 3 other jobs well I shall not complain I shall keep Going , and the other day at HOME we were chatting to our server who had just made a record with Iggy Pop!!! And yes of course to do this show biz thing full time is the aim but in the meantime we do everything we can to stay afloat and to float freely to make to creative to reflect ….but today is all mine I do that thing I CHOOSE REHEARSAL I CHOOSE LIFE to quote Transporting ! I’m gonna be late for rehearsing now ..gotta dash …sending creative juices to us all x
Giddy to be part of PUSH Festival 2017 at HOME. It’s great to be part of something in your own town because this town in a big town and there are many audiences within audiences in this town and THAT’S what I’m really looking forward to.
That and the chance to perform three nights in a row, like a long-jumper, three goes to get a Personal Best! As Esther says, “Everything is always working out for me” – I might get a Personal Best every night!
I hope you’ll be part of the new audience that I’m searching for as I search for ‘A Place Called Happiness.”
I have an aversion/ resistance to planning for the future. I am having to face it because things like putting on a tour for a show needs it. Thankfully I have help ( big up the House of Compton aka Jayne Compton. But its peculiar to me, I don’t like to show off, I don’t want anyone who may be reading this to get the feeling that I live with purpose in the MOMENT full of MINDFULNESS because I don’t …I live in the Oh crap I should of done that oh damn I’ve missed another deadline …Oh crap my head is full of fuzz today and I cannot think clear and well….oh why is my T-shirt inside out and my jumper back to front ( I do actually prefer this look ) but I struggling with what is it …I really don’t know…I like to let things unfurl … modern life come on, give us some space to let things unfurl…
And sometimes things don’t hit the spot, for example I had a bad day with my show last week, my head was blank, I had zero presence, and I started to wobble really quickly, I lost my story, my motive, and its a horrible feeling when you are the ‘Show’ when you only have you, and your just not feeling it. If I worked in a bookies or on reception in a Office maybe I could get away with it, I could fake it …But hey I will get over it I will recover the balance…to be human, to not be your tip top best all the flipping time, this is what I’m gonna try and embrace, and be gentler with my little self.
I want to send out a message today to all of us who push and pull too much with expectations beyond our means from time to time…..
These are some of the things that made me Happy in Provincetown …
The renaming of the Provincetown Inn from the Shinning to the Shimmering by Ken .
Breakfast time with all you legends ( you know who you are ) extra star points to Joey Arias for stunning black ensembles at the breakfast table ( extra points also to Heather Litteer for epic pre breakfast cycling/running…and for the laughing Raquel,Somer, Brian, Molly, Drew, Ken ….
The feeling of belonging to the human race..and a community of creative souls
The kindness and support I felt for my first performance on a International stage !!
I felt free.
I continue to hold that spirit .
Inspired by all of you .
Note to self : Don’t forget there’s a world out there…..
And so its really happening …lets get this Afterglow a glowing …but we are late and we are going to have to run …in these heels …across to get the ferry …or we will just have to do the show right here !!!
So excited to be part of this years cosmic Afterglow ….come on down tonight to the Gala if your in town xxxxx
Some serious thing happened this summer. My desire to perform and develop my audience abroad has come to reality. Mx Vivian Bond started it by introducing me to Quinn Cox, who took the baton and invited me to Afterglow Festival last year. Now the British Council and the Arts Council have enabled me to live the dream with an Artists’ International Development Fund.
I am so thrilled to be getting this special funding which enables me to go to Afterglow to do my show in September, followed by a research trip to New York forging relationships and connections with people and places to help make a 2017 tour possible.
I have never stretched myself to do work abroad before. It feels different, and it’s good to see what you can do out of your range, out of the spaces you are used to. Part of me is nervous, part of me is anxious and part of me is so ready for this stretching my wings across the ocean.
And so my ‘A Place Called Happiness‘ is packing its little bags and Sandra the Laptop is getting a special plug adapter…
Dear Diary, well I managed to get away from the coalface of work, work, werk and have ended up on the French Riviera in a house on a Golf Resort with a view of woods and golfers and an eagle ( Of course ) driving around in an BMW X3 ( I know – I didn’t even know what an X3 was ) I feel peculiar like I’m in someone else’s life – like a minor soap actor or a wife of a minor soap actor…anyway get to the point Debs !! Its all about Esther, Esther Hicks is doing stuff to me, she is teaching me the art of allowing the art of making absolute peace with where you are right now, about living the life you want to life now, creating the feeling of what it would feel like but feel it now about building up the law of attraction about feeling better thoughts better thoughts its all about feeling and having better thoughts …..the vortex the frequency the don’t wait don’t have bad thoughts if they make you feel bad…….but if you do have them be gentle with them …let yourself off, accept that moment….
And so my head has had space to think about the stuff I make – to give is some space to soak up fresh air to re-frame to really mean it…so set forth desires ..shoot up rockets of desire …..so come on lets all have what we want lets shoot up our rockets of desire …..
To keep my self grounded and not let all this Riviera way of life go to my head I have brought and am reading the Grapes of Wrath by John Steinbeck just to keep it real n all…
In a post show analytical mood, it needs to be done, so you can move forward but it means I’m back on the sofa, its tricky, the question now what ? Is in the front of my mind, and everything I thought I learnt last year on the sofa seems a little bit hard to reach and get hold of.
So I say to myself I want to be busy, Debs there is so much to do you can have busy, busy is right here in front of you …I want paid creative and uncreative work…I want the things I make to put bread and butter and cheese on my plate …its simple isn’t folks its simple ….
today is about reaching out for ideas on on to put bread and butter on my plate and about not beating myself up for not feeling like I can achieve that.
so i’m floating out there ….
work come to me…space come to me…gigs come to me …and I will come to you with energy and clarity …
I feel better for that..Happy Thursday full of clarity to us all
It is my go …isn’t it?
Or did I forget to take a number ? No one tells me anything …
Cashier number four please …….
First things first, thanks to School of Sound in Manchester and John Horrocks my sound engineer-director of Foley, think I’ve spelt that wrong, never mind. Thought I’d write up all these things that happen between me and my Mum, mostly stories about the Role Reversal Syndrome we are finding ourselves in, the tipping point from bumbling daughter to bad daughter to guilty daughter and all the weird feelings in between, and all the stuff that changes when people get older, and sometimes it’s funny and sometimes it’s just not. I hope Radio Four will snap my fingers off to get at them and make them into a glorious Radio Mini Series, which will excite a bidding war from America and a front cover on the Radio Times with me sitting at my desk chewing on a pen looking bemused and kooky but confident at the same time, then meetings about how can we transfer it to a four part Tv drama filmed on location up round Saddleworth or the moors near Whitby and who is going to play my Mum? And who’s playing me ? Maxine Peake back off ..I love you but ..it’s my go … You are golden …but I really do think it’s my go ….
I never felt able to call my self a writer, I’ve spent years trying to write, I even gave up work and some one gave me an old Apple Mac computer those chunky box ones, I sat for weeks trying to be a writer, I went on an Arvon course I didn’t write I talked, and here I am years later , still trying to be a writer. To write you have to just keep on re writing , I am a Rewriter, practising everyday, and maybe I am a bit jealous of people who just write, but no matter how we all get there I am just happy that I haven’t given up, because I could and it would be fine, I wouldn’t die . I am just putting my head down to graft with words, the Mum O Logs are in production, mini stories of being a daughter to an Elder, a situation familiar to many of us, full of incidents and hours spent trying to find her in department stores, have you had your medication, have you eaten …where’s your car…..where’s your mind, where are you……where am I ? I would like to open this up to all, when the time is right, maybe you would like to share on the Mum O Logs Archive ? Wishing everyone a good productive day despite all this weird sunshine !!!