When does Yoga become self harm?

I cannot get down the stairs without pain. I cannot get up the stairs without it either?

So I am working from bed.

Am I doing the wrong kind of yoga?  I ache, I have a hot water bottle permanently strapped to my lower back. The pains keep me awake, but I can’t say no to my online yoga guru sessions.

You may of noticed I’ve started my own tutorials, a bit rough I think, but they are inspiring, aren’t they?

This is still feeling like a nightmare you can’t wake up from.

I dreamt I had super invincible powers and that I was holding Boris hostage until everything changed and care was given to everyone who needs,  I woke up.

There are too many people invisible in this crisis and too many fuck wits and fuck its. ( I think I have to include myself in stupid  moments )

I will still try and be on the path of least resistance.

Sending out love and good thoughts,

I feel like I’ve been here before

This thing we are in has landed, its tripping off stuff, its impact is different everyday, from tears on Sunday ‘ people are dying I sobbed into my Yorkshire puddings ( which didn’t rise by the way ) yes, what a mess, I have food and a roof over my head  when millions don’t.  I have feelings that are flushing in and out of me. Useless. Pathetic. Detached. Terrified to look at my bank account. Want to be drunk all the time. Don’t want to be awake. Want to make a difference. Want to help. Want to say hello to everyone. Want to keep my head down. Want to know what bird is that? What to help the old folks not feel so scared. I took a roast dinner on a tray in foil to my Mums, 6 miles unnecessary travel, to her it wasn’t. It was to say you are loved you are not alone in your little flat watching the news and crying.

Everyone who is a comic, artist, clown, maker, writer, thinker,performer  is scrabbling around for seeds to plant to grow something they can eat in the months to come.

Many of the creative souls I know and admire are struggling been creative during this time, but many are flourishing, its not a crime to be in either camp. The word focus is to me a luxury item I may not have for a long time to come, but as a maker of shows and things from out of nothing at home in my bedroom here I am again. I spent years on the dole in the 80’s in a bedsit land, this feels a bit similar, disconnected from society part of a sub culture of queers, activists, whole foods, printing press fanzines, jumble sales, giro day, nocturnal, a time when you had time to listen to a whole album.

This all may sound so flipping superficial people are getting their lives turned up side down, but these thoughts are trying to keep me sane and may make me able to give something as part of the healing, for  the aftermath for whatever will be needed  then.

I  couldn’t find any seeds until today, something has shifted, it may only last for today so I will make the most of it.

Teresa gave me this quote:

Its okay to not be at your most productive during a fucking global pandemic . 

Thank you who ever said that.

Meanwhile in la la land in my head I want to start making stuff, I keep looking at the photo of my Nana, what would she of done during this?

To all my creative comrades out there. We will overcome. We always have and we always will.

Putting the C in Caring

I feel like I’m getting closer to being the word  Carer for my Mum, AKA Trish. I am trying not to freak the F out when she calls me in manic mode and says when are you going to have time for your old mum we haven’t spoken in ages, Mum I was with you most of yesterday and Monday, and last Thursday….aaargh ….then says oh I can’t get this beer open …so I am trying not to freak out when I told her Mum, every Wednesday, you know that thing I keep saying I’m writing, an you said oh Have You Given Up,( with a weird tone ) yeah that thing called my creative little world that I miss so dearly and feel like I’ve fallen off the end of the world,( please don’t judge me, I do love tying to look after you but you have bleed into my mind and you wake me up at 5m sweating with disappointment that even though we have helped you move home twice in one year you are f -ing miserable, and can’t be arse on such a major level and everything you say to me is wrong, because something is broken in you and you can’t join in anything, and all you ever say is that there is no one in the lounge area its so dead nothing going on when last night on the most manic call with you you said theres a tall lady in the lounge and 3 people stretching – MUM THATS THE YOGA TEACHER I HAVE TOLD YOU ABOUT FOR THE LAST 2 MONTHS SHE IS Doing YOGA AND YOU CAN JOIN IN – oh she said well I feel sorry for her only 3 people – if you went mum it would be 4 !!!!!!!

BREATH>  so Mum, on a Wednesday I won’t be around I am going out to Hebden to write and have some thinking space . Her Reaction at the time was not interested  – oh right . The next day she calls Teresa – Debra is leaving me I have lost her she doesn’t love me she said she liked being with me I have lost her .

I know this is the beginning of an end of sorts, I know I have to look after my own bloody sanity, I have to roll with these punches, I have to be something a bit more zen a bit more crazy, to go with this, to try and find some tonic, to try and stick up some boundaries made out off twigs and bits of polystyrene, and try not to sink into a deep cosmic sadness, I can do that, but I’ve done too much of that, and I know I’m not alone, so I just want to say I hope you don’t judge me, I just needed to get this out of my mind, before I go out of my mind.


Happy Stress Awareness Day

So I haven’t written for ages and ages and today I feel sort of out of sorts feel this pressure of a day off a day off, off from other peoples wants from me, and now I have me wanting wants from me and where does this lead me?

Running running running away from all of it !!!!

And in the writing, and thinking  I will come back to  myself, come back Debs, its okay.

So todays thoughts are funny because I love all these awareness days, I wish there were more, like feeling sorry for self awareness day, or self sabotage day, or bigmouth ‘on one’ day.

Most of my stress comes from over stretching my love over stretching my capacity to help over stretching my levels of care, thats when i get it, and its really unfair because then I end up stressing out the person who is already not able to do stuff without me. Its a double pain. My poor Mum, we are in a constant loop of apologising to each other .

The other part of my stress is totally my fault . its this . Its the not bloody doing what makes me feel alive. Being on a stage, being a fool being connected to other humans, hearing laughter. Its same old same old shizzle. Same as it ever was same as it ever was.

so on this blessed bloody day off I give myself permission to be who I am and soak it all up, for one day this will all be useful in the creative mix the place where good things are made, are written, are said out loud, without apologising !!!!!!

So cheers to Stress xxxPaying it forward

On Being Quiet

I have been quiet of late on this blog space thang – sometimes you just have nothing to say and perhaps this is a blessing because I feel like there’s so  much talking going on.

Are we allowed to just be quiet? I have a niggle thought that its good for us to be silent. I hear people constantly on the mobiles talking about nothing filling space ‘ I’m just getting a sandwich might get some crisps – I’ve not had a yoghurt might get one where you at work oh yeah no I’m on way to work blah blah blah –

Other people thing there is something wrong with you if you are not filling the air with chat. There is something right with you not wrong. Maybe I just get over stimulated by stuff and noise and movement – I need a bit of still .

We were talking round the dinner table last night about boredom and that it is actually good for you to get bored – but we as a people keep pushing it to be full of doing all the day n night – not allowing space to let some boredom in – I don’t think I’ve been bored in years – think me and Teresa got bored 6 years ago on the day after boxing day we just didn’t know what to do with ourselves – it passed .

So I’m gonna invite a bit of boredom and quietness into my world. I’ve got a feeling it will help new stuff come into my mind or enable old stuff to be re worked !!!!!!

Ps loving this 10,000 steps business and wondering if we can create a fit bit for good thoughts – target 100 positive/better/ not so destructive/ kinder thoughts ? 


Make Off

I’m letting myself have thinking time and not resist silly thoughts :

Here are some of my thoughts :

To make a TV show about people who make solo theatre pieces called MAKE OFF – we see  the contestants spending hours sitting on sofa’s starring into space or making things with  cuttings out of magazines or we see them on park benches crying talking to themselves ” I’ve got nothing to say – I’m empty inside” …thats round one if they survive that the get put into a ‘Space ‘ to devise set pieces using only what is in the room, there is no natural light .  – and so it goes on – till the Final – 3 solo theatre makers in a disused industrial space with only one hour one light one prop to share the ‘work’…..


To be subversive in a day job situation …ie pretend I’m in a sit com…already do do that .Next


Submerge myself in a time space where I only listen to Joni Mitchell and see ‘What Happens’ going to start this tomorrow …’prisoner of the white lines on the freeway’…


Workshop ideas for shows with people who are not in the ‘Trade’ really fancy this idea have already  got the amazing Debbie Jump pencilled in ( i think she thinks I’m joking around but I’m not and she is really funny – in fact she should be on stage )


Follow the path of least resistance ….follow follow follow

That’s all for now – my day job does calleth …into the sit com…until I write the real one ..which I am actually doing – get me – get off the sofa – Art is life is art is life is art is life is art …is life

still reeling from talking to Laurie Anderson

feel the love

2017 is GO

It started on the Sofa like all interesting things do, then 3 amazing nights performing at HOME, now the touring bit, to new places and old places and Barnsley and Harrogate, new ground for me. I yes I do have my day job and yes sometimes is a bit of a squeeze, but I always think these things make you stronger and more focused and I am proud to be part of a long long tradition of creative people on the leading edge the cusp of something great often work in bar or 3 bars and one other job and when I think of all my amazing friends in New York working that Cabaret Scene and 3 other jobs well I shall not complain I shall keep Going , and the other day at HOME we were chatting to our server who had just made a record with Iggy Pop!!! And yes of course to do this show biz thing full time is the aim but in the meantime we do everything we can to stay afloat and to float freely to make to creative to reflect ….but today is all mine I do that thing I CHOOSE REHEARSAL I CHOOSE LIFE to quote Transporting ! I’m gonna be late for rehearsing now ..gotta dash …sending creative juices to us all x

PUSH it real good!

Giddy to be part of PUSH Festival 2017 at HOME. It’s great to be part of something in your own town because this town in a big town and there are many audiences within audiences in this town and THAT’S what I’m really looking forward to.

That and the chance to perform three nights in a row, like a long-jumper, three goes to get a Personal Best! As Esther says, “Everything is always working out for me” – I  might get a Personal Best every night!

I hope you’ll be part of the new audience that I’m searching for as I search for ‘A Place Called Happiness.”

Not so Great Expectations

I have an aversion/ resistance to planning for the future. I am having to face it because things like putting on a tour for a show needs it. Thankfully I have help ( big up the House of Compton aka Jayne Compton. But its peculiar to me, I don’t like to show off, I don’t want anyone who may be reading this to get the feeling that I live with purpose in the MOMENT full of MINDFULNESS because I don’t …I live in the Oh crap I should of done that oh damn I’ve missed another deadline …Oh crap my head is full of fuzz today and I cannot think clear and well….oh why is my T-shirt  inside out and my jumper back to front ( I do actually prefer this look ) but I struggling with what is it …I really don’t know…I like to let things unfurl … modern life come on, give us some space to let things unfurl…

And sometimes things don’t hit the spot, for example I had a bad day with my show last week, my head was blank, I had zero presence, and I started to wobble really quickly, I lost my story, my motive, and its a horrible feeling when you are the ‘Show’ when you only have you, and your just not feeling it. If I worked in a bookies or on reception in a Office  maybe I could get away with it, I could fake it …But hey I will get over it I will recover the balance…to be human, to not be your tip top best all the flipping time, this is what I’m gonna try and embrace, and be gentler with  my little self.

I want to  send out a  message today to all of us who push and pull too much with expectations beyond our means from time to time…..


Post Provincetown

These are some of the things that made me Happy in Provincetown …

The renaming of the Provincetown Inn from the Shinning to the Shimmering by Ken .

Breakfast time with all you legends ( you know who you are ) extra star points to  Joey  Arias for stunning black ensembles at the breakfast table  ( extra points also to Heather Litteer for epic pre breakfast cycling/running…and for the laughing Raquel,Somer, Brian, Molly, Drew, Ken ….20150917_115433.jpg

The connections

The feeling of belonging to the human race..and a community of creative souls

The kindness and support I felt for my first performance on a International stage !!

I felt free.

I continue to hold that spirit .

Inspired by all of you .

Note to self : Don’t forget there’s a world out there…..



On the show biz train to P Town

And so its really happening …lets get this Afterglow a glowing …but we are late and we are going to have to run …in these heels …across to get the ferry …or we will just have to do the show right here !!!

So excited to be part of this years cosmic Afterglow ….come on down tonight to the Gala if your in town xxxxx

@BritishCouncil / @ace_national said YES.



Some serious thing happened this summer. My desire to perform and develop my audience  abroad has come to reality. Mx  Vivian Bond started it by introducing me to Quinn Cox, who took the baton and invited me  to Afterglow Festival last year. Now the British Council and the Arts Council have enabled me to live the dream with an Artists’ International Development Fund.

I am so thrilled to be getting this special funding which enables me to go to Afterglow to do my show in September, followed by a research trip to New York forging relationships and connections with people and places to help make a 2017 tour possible.

I have never stretched myself to do work abroad before. It feels different, and it’s good to see what you can do out of your range, out of the spaces you are used to. Part of me is nervous, part of me is anxious and part of me is so ready for this stretching my wings across the ocean.

And so my ‘A Place Called Happiness‘ is packing its little bags and Sandra the Laptop is getting a special plug adapter…

The Grapes of Wrath or is it Wine ?

Dear Diary, well I managed to get away from the coalface of work, work, werk and have ended up on the French Riviera in a house on a Golf Resort with a view of woods and golfers and an eagle ( Of course ) driving around in an BMW X3 ( I know – I didn’t even know what an X3 was ) I feel peculiar like I’m in someone else’s life – like a minor soap actor or a wife of a minor soap actor…anyway get to the point Debs !! Its all about Esther, Esther Hicks is doing stuff to me, she is teaching me the art of allowing the art of making absolute peace with where you are right now, about living the life you want to life now, creating the feeling of what it would feel like but feel it now about building up the law of attraction about feeling better thoughts better thoughts its all about feeling and having better thoughts …..the vortex the frequency the don’t wait don’t have bad thoughts if they make you feel bad…….but if you do have them be gentle with them …let yourself off, accept that moment….

And so my head has had space to think about the stuff I make – to give is some space to soak up fresh air to re-frame to really mean it…so set forth desires ..shoot up rockets of desire …..so come on lets all have what we want lets shoot up our rockets of desire …..

To keep my self grounded and not let all this Riviera way of life go to my head I have brought and am reading the Grapes of Wrath by  John Steinbeck just to keep it real n all…

that’s all

Bread and Butter, and how to get it on the table .

In a post show analytical mood, it needs to be done, so you can move forward but it means I’m back on the sofa, its tricky, the question now what ? Is in the front of my mind, and everything I thought I learnt last year on the sofa seems a little bit hard to reach and get hold of.

So I say to myself I want to be busy, Debs there is so much to do you can have busy, busy is right here in front of you …I want paid creative and uncreative work…I want the things I make to put bread and butter and cheese on my plate …its simple isn’t folks its simple ….

today is about reaching out for ideas on on to put bread and butter on my plate and about not beating myself up for not feeling like I can achieve that.

so i’m floating out there ….

work come to me…space come to me…gigs come to me …and I will come to you with energy and clarity …

I feel better for that..Happy Thursday full of clarity to us all